Together with consistories, school board and staff members, the Guiding Hands committee recently attended a presentation by Mr. Ben Zijl, a social worker affiliated with the Tamim in the Netherlands. Mr. Zijl travelled to Alberta to share his expertise pertaining to addictions, specifically pornography addictions, as this is one of the areas he has focused on in his counselling practice. In the following paragraphs we wish to share with you some of the things we learned from his presentation.
Sex addictions, which include pornography, are peculiar to almost all other addictions due to the fact that people have been created with sexual needs. These needs and desires in themselves are not sinful or harmful, which distinguishes them from other addictions that involve external substances. However, there is a common factor found in nearly all people who struggle with any addiction, specifically low self-esteem. Low self-esteem often has devastating consequences including stress, loneliness and increased probability of depression and struggles with addictive behaviors. When a person finds himself unable to break free from an addiction, this leads to self-loathing, which in turn lowers self-esteem. It is simple to see that this vicious cycle can quickly bring a person to despair.
However, on the other side of this equation there is reason for optimism since healthy self-esteem and addictions rarely go together. With awareness and effort, self-esteem can increase. Low self-esteem is often a result of childhood experiences including poor academic performance, overly critical adult influences, abuse and stressful life events. Whenever Mr. Zijl meets with a client struggling with an addiction, he first assesses their self-esteem level (which he most often finds to be low) and then provides directions and tips on how to improve this, which results in an increase in their ability to fight their addiction.
Giving a genuine compliment, or helping someone in need, increases the giver’s sense of self-worth. It is common for parents to be unaware that the words we use when speaking with our children, in the hope of motivating or instructing them, can come across as being overly harsh or critical. If this happens too often, it can lead to children believing they are inadequate and they end up with a low level of self-worth. A much greater amount of positivity and encouragement is required to counteract humiliating statements thoughtlessly made. As a hike requires much more effort and time for the uphill sections than downhill, accordingly a person’s sense of self-worth is more easily harmed than restored.
We see in this a reflection of the wisdom that the Lord blessed Solomon with, in the words of Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turneth away wrath but grievous words stir up anger.” Further, in verse 4, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.” Simple words can have a big impact both positive and negative.
Members of the Guiding Hands committee are readily available for anyone struggling with these matters. As we have previously mentioned there is no wrong reason to contact us and although we are not professionals, we are individuals who wish to lend an ear to those who are struggling or suffering.
For more information on Ben Zijl, and his practice: https://www.tamim.nu/
