What is Incest?
A dark question, a hidden difficulty, a reality which so many do not want to talk about or acknowledge. But really, what is it? According to the Merriam Webster dictionary and the Cambridge Dictionary, incest is defined as sexual activity involving people who are closely related and legally not allowed to marry. This is a very broad definition as it includes both consensual relationships and abusive relationships between family members. The focus of this article will be on abusive forms of incest.
According to Incest AWARE, abusive incest is defined “as sexual abuse of a person by a family member: a primary caregiver including a stepparent or foster parent, a sibling or cousin, or someone else considered family like a nanny or close family friend.” In other words, someone close that a child may trust. Many children are taught to trust family members with no regard to how they are being treated. This gives ready access to perpetrators and removes the need for any grooming process. This type of abuse often takes place more often and more frequently, sometimes for years, over and over again, as access to the victim is so easy.
What causes incest?
Over the years, many different things have contributed to incest becoming more prevalent. Of these many reasons we hope to try summarizing just one: the traditional family. Traditionally, a family includes a father and mother, together with their children. The father is set as the head of the house, to love, care, teach and protect his wife and children from harm. However, often these roles are taken out of context and used as a way to gain power and dominance over the women and girls, the weaker vessel. It is Biblical for the man to be placed at the head of the home, but it is not Biblical for a man to abuse that privilege and responsibility for his own pleasure. When a child is told to obey his parents in all things with no questions asked, that place of authority can quickly become misused in situations involving incest. In these situations, the male in authority is no longer protecting the family and children but is rather misusing the authority placed on him according to God’s Word. There are many more causes that lead to incest which can be found explained in the resources provided at the end of the article.
The Effects of Incest
The effects of incest on a child are enormous and can last through the survivor’s entire lifetime. Some of these include, but are not limited to, persistent feelings of being alone, unwanted and unloved. One survivor shares that “she often felt entirely alone in a room full of people.” Other effects include difficulty sleeping, getting out of bed in the morning, feelings of hopelessness, self-harm and even suicide attempts. Coping with the effects of abuse can lead to the misuse of alcohol, prescription drugs or other substances. A common coping tactic during abuse is dissociation which sometimes leads to the memories and experiences being completely forgotten for some time. This leads to intense confusion about the experiences, as well as persistent or occasional flashbacks. This is why it takes time for the survivor to share their entire story, or why the story may change over time, since they only remember pieces of it. For this reason, often they are then accused of “making up their story” or “looking for attention”. Some experience PTSD and
panic attacks, leading to disabling feelings of anxiety and fear. Other effects include low self-esteem, eating disorders, chronic physical pain or illness. It’s possible that your first experiences with sex come as a result of sexual abuse and as an adult intimacy may be a struggle, with flashbacks and painful memories surfacing while engaging in sexual activity. In cases where the abuse is reported, confusion and disruption at home when being removed from the family and placed with other caregivers can arise, leading to feelings of deeper mistrust or resentment. Incest survivors often struggle with anger and a deep sense of being flawed or contaminated.
If you are a survivor of incest and struggling with these difficulties it is important to realize that you are not alone, and with help you can move past many or all of these consequences. There is hope for healing.
Reaching out for help as a victim
Incest is a very traumatic experience and reaching out for help is often a very difficult step, but there is help available and there are ways to receive help and support.
For those in need of immediate support in an emergency or crisis situation, please call 911.
For those looking for support there are several different options:
-Alberta’s One-Line for Sexual Violence (Toll-free: 1866.403.8000, Text: 866.403.8000) Their services offer talk, text and chat support to Albertans who have been impacted by sexual violence, and offer information, support and referrals on issues of sexual violence.
-Kids Help Phone: Call 1800.668.6868 or text CONNECT to 686868. This is available 24 hours a day for Canadians aged 5-29 who are seeking confidential and anonymous care from trained responders. -Chinook Sexual Assault Centre: 1844.576.2512, https://www.csaleth.ca/services
-Counselling
-Speak to loved ones
-Reach out to Guiding Hands: https://guidinghandsab.ca. We are not counsellors, but instead offer a listening ear with the hopes that his may be a simple way to help victims unburden and begin the healing process. We may provide recommendations for additional support should you choose.
-Reach out to your doctor. They are able to refer to a counsellor or provide necessary support.
-Reach out to the NRC Abuse and Harassment Committee
Disclosure of Incest
The process of disclosing incest is very difficult. When disclosure takes place, a family is often split, with some choosing the side of the perpetrator and others the side of the victim. Victims are often not believed as it is easier to side with the person who harmed. When standing behind the victim the peace, stability, economic and social safety of the family are put at risk. While the responsibility for the abuse lies solely on the perpetrator, the decision to disclose is often much more difficult for the victim since he/she already struggles with feelings of shame and low self-
worth. It can be difficult to balance support from family members while still separating from the abuser, especially when both the victim and abuser rely on family members financially, emotionally, and psychologically.
How to Support Survivors
It is hard to know how to respond when someone discloses to you that they have been sexually assaulted. Try to be as supportive and non-judgmental as possible. Using phrases such as ‘I believe you’ and ‘It took a lot of courage to tell me about this’ is very supportive. Survivors often feel ashamed and are worried that they will not be believed. Survivors also often blame themselves, especially in cases of incest. Using supportive phrases such as ‘It’s not your fault’ and ‘You didn’t do anything to deserve this’ assure the survivor that he/she is not to blame.
When a survivor does share, let him/her know that you are there for support and will listen or help in any way you can and then follow up with that person. Help find resources, places to go, and ways for him/her to find professional help.
Try to communicate empathy using phrases such as ‘I’m sorry this happened’ and ‘This must have been really difficult for you.’
There is no set timeline as to how long it takes to recover from the effects of incest. Simply support the survivor and stand at their side for however long that may be. Consider checking in every so often to see how they are doing. The pain of what was experienced does not simply leave, even if the event(s) happened a long time ago.
It is also important to be aware of the warning signs leading to suicide. Watch the person you care about and offer help and support should any of these be noticed.
Do not shrug off someone’s story as being a small thing. Generally, a survivor is not looking to you for all the answers, but they trust you, and are only desiring that someone listen to them. If you do not know what to do, assure them that you do not know what to say but that you are there for them and will try to help them. We are commanded in God’s Word to “bear one another’s burdens” and that also applies to situations of incest. Unfortunately incest is also prevalent within our own church communities and we must therefore raise awareness and show support to one another to prevent it from happening further. May there be much prayer that we may be spared from these sins.
Incest Prevention
Often one might ask how incest can be prevented. Below are a few recommendations.
-Create, maintain, and enforce boundaries between adults and children.
-Educate about incest, signs of struggling with incest and its devastating effects.
-Understand the concept of grooming, as well as the warning signs that a family member is at risk of abusing a child.
-Teach children about proper names of body parts, healthy boundaries and their right to control who touches them and how.
-Encourage children to say “no” to touch by a family member that doesn’t feel right and that they have permission to tell a safe adult, such as a teacher, social worker, church member, or friend.
-Respond supportively and knowledgeably when incest survivors disclose abuse
-Learn ways to support or guide a partner, family member, friend, or child in their healing
Satan is a deceiver from the very beginning. In God’s Word we can also read examples of incest that have occurred and ramifications resulted from this. May we earnestly ask the Lord that we may be kept from these sins and that our walk may be in accordance with His Word. May we also be given wisdom to support those who suffer, correction if we have fallen ourself, and comfort if we must personally live with the impacts.
Sources:
Incestaware.org
Rainn.org
